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Divine I Am Existence Revealing Treasures in your Own Backyard

Sitting with ourselves

In the summer of 2016 I went on a hiking trip with my dear friend. We hiked the Appalachian Trail starting at PenMar Park in Western Maryland. We hiked south towards Ravens Rock shelter.

Pen Mar Park was owned and operated by the Western Maryland Railroad and had its beginning as far back as 1878. Within a few short years it soon became the “Coney Island” of the Blue Ridge Mountains for the children and remained one of the most famous resorts of its kind for half a century.

At one time the park area supported seven hotels, plus a number of boarding houses. Many families spent their entire vacation on the mountain top. The Western Maryland Railroad found that the excursion business it engendered was most profitable, and in 1898 — twenty years after the park was established — it carried 1,200,900 passengers and over half of these were excursionists to Pen Mar Park. Today, even the Western Maryland passenger service is but a memory.

-Gateway to the Mountains

When we started on our way, a black snake crossed our path. We had already decided before we left that we would both go through this experience with purpose and intention…. in a magickal way. So we both took the snake as a sign.

 

We hiked for almost 2 miles, through a forest on a hill of rocks. It was a strenuous climb at times…definitely a leg workout. But we finally made it to High Rock Park. I felt like the Indigenous people who lived there were rock jumpers and this was one of their sacred spaces.

There is an amazing and ominous feeling at the top of the rock. It feels like you’re standing at the top of a pyramid, looking out over your civilization. It is beautiful and deadly. Last year when we got to High Rock, a teenage boy flipped off the rock above me, flying over me and off the cliff.

Seeing, feeling, experiencing someone fall from a cliff at least 100 feet down is not something you believe you will experience.  The people on the cliffs get very brave and risky… it is very slippery because of all the traffic and the graffiti.

Luckily, the next day we looked up incident reports for the area and we found out he was alive. Talk about a significant magickal journey.

So last weekend I and another dear friend of mine went for a hike and started at PenMar. When we started this hiking journey, we just wanted be out in nature… but the universe took me on another magickal journey.

We hiked to High Rock, but it was getting late and we weren’t sure if we’d make it to Ravens Run Shelter before dark so we decided to stay off the Appalachian Trail at High Rock.  We set our hammocks up in the pine trees just off to the side of the main cliff.  Because we were so close to the cliffs we didn’t really get up to walk around much, and stayed in our hammocks all night.

We laid down for bed around 11pm and there were still groups of kids on the top of the rocks. At 12 o’clock they left and another group drove in right after. The groups were loud and rowdy, some of them even getting into arguments with each other. At one point there was a bear sighted and the group of kids ran to their car and set off their car alarm.

I was ready for bed, I was sleeping in a hammock, I did not want to be involved with anything that was happening 100 ft from me…. but I was scared out of my mind. Every time I heard a persons voice, or someone yell or laugh loudly it startled me.

I had such high anxiety… I knew this was a fight or flight response, triggered by the events that had happened 3 years earlier. I had not processed that energy to release it in a healthy way. I pushed that experience aside, utilizing coping strategies that allowed me to rationalize my emotions so that I did not have to feel them.

This time I sat in the feeling. I sat in the emotion, the physical sensations. I sat with my imagination. I sat with myself.

I sat and listened…. to the world… and to myself. I listened to how I process, and perceive. I listened to where my thoughts wanted to take me. I sat in my shadows.

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My imagination and I, battling it out…. all the ways something bad could’ve happened continued to play through my chest, over and over….

In and out, I had to breath and know I was alright, and face my feelings and face the shadows, to see they were of my own making.

And I had to wait until the sun came back up to truly see that my fears were irrational.

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Everything was alright, everything turned out just fine.

<3

 

 

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Existence Most Popular

Grief… transmuted by Love

Grief is defined as sorrow, or to burden in old French.

Burden is defined as a load… to bear, which is to support or carry.

I am reminded of the story of two monks that go for a walk and come across a woman at the water who asked for some help crossing. The older monk picks her up right away to help her cross. The two monks go on for hours in silence, until suddenly the younger monk blurts out “why did you carry that woman across the water, we as monks aren’t supposed to touch women!” The first monk says “I set her down on the other side of the river, why are you still carrying her?”

What do we bear and why?

I do believe that endurance is an important quality to possess. However, when does endurance become burden, and then when does burden become sorrow? When you notice that your grieving something, you know its time to check into what you’re carrying.

Since I have been home from North Dakota, a lot of things have opened up in me. I am processing and learning more about the sacrifices made by people I am related to… who have given up things that allow me to live this life.

When I got home from North Dakota I started feeling a tightness in my chest that is just recently starting to go away.  I have been thinking and questioning and trying to figure out where it was coming from! Was it the change in atmosphere, was it the lack of physical exercise over the week away, was it anxiety, or just the body processing from my experience.

Now I know, it is grief causing the tightness. I am grieving many things that I had not allowed myself to express in the past, and with my new awareness of sacrifice, I am also grieving many things from before my time here.

I closed my eyes this evening and was taken back to a time and place long ago…

When my warrior had went off on his horse to stand for our traditions and against colonization. My heart wept as he left and broke when I found out he would never return.

I am taken to the kitchen where I am cleaning up before dinner, watching the wind blow over the plains.  Hearing the laughter of my children, only to find them gone when I go out to call them in for dinner. My heart full of worry and sadness as my only children do not return home to me that evening. My heart wept when they did come back and were no longer the same.

Waking up in the middle of the night, crying for my mother. In an inconsolable night terror, screaming for my mommy over and over again. My heart longs for her arms to be wrapped tightly around me, keeping me safe. My heart breaks when I do get to go home and she is no longer alive, and I can no longer be held by her.

I believe we are all connected, and the grief of my ancestors runs through me…I am connected to their sorrow because I bear their blood. However it is my ability and responsibility to process this grief and transmute it, not only for myself but for the whole collective consciousness.

The pain in my heart is intense, the sorrow from this burden is aged and has deep roots. But I will to grow and be the best version of myself I can be.  This means I must process and grow from these sorrows. I see this shadow within, and it is now time to release it into the light.

I am realizing that I grieve for many other things in my life…  ideas, expectations, friendships, relationships, love. The pain and sorrow I have felt and not dealt with in my life have become burdens that I carry. That I unnecessarily drag along with me, wherever I go.

What good is this doing, for me or those I love?

A friend told me yesterday, there is enough love in this world that I do not have to carry these burdens alone and that I do not have to hold on to them any longer. That I deserve to receive the Love I give out…and by holding on to these burdens I am not allowing myself to receive this love.

It was such a profound thing, to feel that it wasn’t my responsibility to carry these anymore, and that essentially it was never my responsibility. That by bearing these things I was keeping myself from so many beautiful things that I deserve. By holding on to the old things, I have not had room for new things to come into my life.

Since we are all connected, in me not processing through my sorrow… I am in turn creating a ripple effect that has the ability to affect others. I believe it IS my responsibility to confront my shadows and transmute them into light.

So I say to all of you, with the deepest love I can fathom… you are not alone, and you do not have to carry these burdens any longer. It is time for us all to look into our shadows and bring them to light… by doing this together we are helping each and every person to grow in love and light.

How much less suffering would the young monk had gone through had he not waited hours to share with the older monk how he felt. We need to remember we are all connected… and are meant to be here for each other.

Migwetch and Gizaagii’n

Raining in the Dawn Woman

Here is a great website I found that breaks down how our emotions affect our body through Traditional Chinese Medicine

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Existence Most Popular Revealing Treasures in your Own Backyard

The Journey to Balance

All that is happening in this world right now is to open our eyes to the middle way.

Its all about balance.

The fear induced by the Trump presidency, the Love shown by the water protectors at Standing Rock, and the sovereignty of self which is being recognized by all the people of this beautiful world.

Balance: an even distribution of weight enabling someone or something to remain upright and steady.

Even distribution of weight, of power….To remain upright and steady… to me this has many meanings. Upright in our ways of living together and loving one another through brotherhood… Steady in our quest to know ourselves.

This happens when each of us takes responsibility for our part in this play.
Knowing our part starts by first knowing ourselves, who we are and what we will.

Only then can we come together in brotherhood allowing each to be as we are, effectively communicating ourselves to each other so that we can live in harmony.

Trump isn’t bad, Hillary isn’t bad… the current governmental system isn’t bad. Look at all the beautiful things we have from its structure. Yes there are things that are not so beautiful but it is our perspective of these things and the imbalance of power that holds us back.

So I question then… Why is there an imbalance of power and where does it come from?  And I know the answers are always within… so I question… what can we do to take back our power… our self sovereignty?

We must first know our selves… we must know who we are, which will lead us to knowing our own power… before we can truly know what it means to be self sovereign.

Oil isn’t bad, power isn’t bad… don’t you see all the amazing things we have from this technology and structure?  Are you truly grateful for all the things you use everyday that are made from oil and all the things you have because people know their power? How then can we say oil and power are bad?

What is bad is the lack of balance and  the inability to effectively communicate who we are and what we will.  This keeps us from being able to live harmoniously… and by “we and us” I mean all of human race. If we all knew who we were, and took back our power, we could easily celebrate each others differences and learn and grow from one another… we would no longer live in fear of each other because we would see how amazing we are, and know that we could find the solution to any problem if we worked together.

Harmony starts within ourselves first… we must be harmonious with who we are and where we’ve come from. Our self is the only person we have the ability to instantly change… if EACH of us takes responsibility for ourselves, our minds, words and actions, then and only then will we flow.   

Gizaagii’n

Raining in the Dawn Woman