From Latin ambi- ‘on both sides’ + dexter ‘right-handed’.
Here is a post about what I am noticing about my time without being able to use my dominant hand.
Sunday, August 11th, 2019 I fell from a ladder while painting the crease between the ceiling and wall, and I broke my radius bone and fractured my ulna in my right wrist.
I am dominantly right handed… I am an artist, educator, mother and active participant in life. My right hand has defined me for many years. Now, almost 37 years old, I find myself forced to be left handed. Yes forced, as sitting still is not an option. Change is constant, and growth is my goal.
Ever since I was young, I practiced writing with both hands. I think the ability to control both sides of our brains and bodies is a skill everyone can practice through different levels of experiments. And one that everyone should practice for the growth of their brain.
Lately I have done a good amount of creating with my right hand, painting and doing henna. I feel like the universe is giving me the opportunity to grow and expand into my left side, which in turn balances me.
At first it was a lot to process… before I knew the specifics of the break. Thoughts and questions raced through my head, however I was never overcome by these thoughts. I held to the view that everything will turn out exactly how it was meant to.
I started having faith that all was in divine order and I am to learn from this things that will help me grow. That mindset has been vital in the healing process. The healing happens in allowing oneself to go through the experience and let go of the trauma one moment at a time. To see the experience as a growing experience… not being attached to how we feel about it, but processing those feelings as the arise immediately following the experience.
So one thing I want to do is document my experience. I dont see many people who have experienced unable to use their dominant hand.
It takes me longer to do things with only one hand working. Which means I have to slow down and give myself more time.
So as of today, the bone was perfectly realigned, and I do not need surgery. I go back in one week to get another xray and a permanent cast, which should be on for 6-8 weeks. This perfect timing for back to school, and setting up my classroom. I think we will have an even more student centered classroom this year, where the students get to decide how to set up our studio space!
The growth in this moment is so real, so intense…. like fire… leaving you raw.
Balance requires constant motion, directing energy while letting it go.
Friday was the day that encompassed all emotions, and began with self-doubt and anxiety. It continued with having handle the consequences for choosing to not take the best steps in a situation 3 months prior. Feelings of inferiority started creeping in… from my perceived inability to be a responsible adult. Disappointed in myself, for forgetting… for hiding from it like it would just go away.
So many parallels between my spiritual journey, as above, and my 3D experience, so below.
Hiding from the fact that sometimes I am SO hard on myself. I work to figure things out until I can fully understand them… but that’s when the universe steps in and says…you think you know, but you have no idea. The issue was my immediate reaction was to feel bad about myself, and to feel disappointment in myself for not doing things how I knew they were to be done. And when I think I feel good about myself, and I have figured out how to be most effective at being me…. the universe throws me a new challenge that shows me, I still have a lot of learning to do and a lot more practice balancing all that is my existence.
I was asked to hold a moon ceremony for about 100 women at The Fox Run 2019 on Friday night at 7pm by the amazing Tifani Truelove. The most interesting thing about all of this, is that I had felt like I needed more time to prepare for Friday night’s moon ceremony. I felt nervous and was experiencing a flux in confidence, even though I know this was aligned with who I am. I was trying to overcompensate for my lack of self confidence. Wednesday and Thursday I was mentally exhausted and anxious as to how I would be prepared for such a big, first time experience.
With so much going on in my life, and so much to do… how will I be ready!? I wanted to take off of work on Friday, but I couldn’t do that because there was a lot to do, and I had already taken off on Tuesday for a professional development experience in Philadelphia. I knew I needed to spend time taking care of myself before this weekend began, but there was no time!
Friday morning I was forced to take care of myself… I handled my business and was able to get things straightened out, thanks to some amazing ladies. By 2pm I was able to breath a little easier, which allowed me to reflect on the physical and emotional feelings that came from that whole experience.
I realized the image I was holding onto of myself, by repeating negative thoughts about how I felt bad for making a mistake. This helped me to break down why I felt that way and where it could’ve generated.
Processing my mental, physical and emotional responses, and reflecting on how they are aligned with my highest good. That is healing.
I realized I grew up not feeling like I was doing enough, or always worried I would disappoint someone with my actions. I was replaying old programming from my childhood, of being afraid to make mistakes.
However, as always, I was reminded the universe is on my side…and by 4pm I was home and preparing myself to be open to receiving and giving during the event I was attending that weekend. I was able to get on the road and to the event with perfect timing, arriving an hour earlier than my scheduled ceremony… which is what I had planned the whole week. Realizing that all of my anxiety was a reaction to a lack of confidence in myself.
Now I find myself to be confident, enough…. but this is the deep stuff… the things we ignore because we can put a smile on, and know the universe has our back. Pushing these things away because we know we are love and light, does not help us one bit. It actually takes more light away from us. The most important thing we can do for ourselves is face these deep heavy spaces with brave love.
The Fox Run 2019 is a women’s weekend away in the woods that focuses on community, and living fiercely as wild women. There was dancing, singing, tattooing, photos, workshops, healing and love.
I arrived at 6pm, to find beautiful women… sharing their joys with one another. Empowering one another to be their best, and shine their light bring. Amazing women, organizing a gathering of community, for celebrating and healing.
Friday started balancing out…
The ceremony that was to be at 7pm, was now pushed back to 11pm… which was fantastic, but at the same time there was a little bit of disappointment. I was excited to do the ceremony early and then be apart of the party afterwards… so when I realized it was going to be after the party I started noticing my thoughts.
Part of me was happy, that I had more time to make sure I was centered and aligned for the ceremony. There was a glimpse of disappointment that I didn’t get to join in on the party earlier. Part of me wanted to go take a nap, and rest before the ceremony; especially after the day I had.
So I laid in my tent, closing my eyes and resting with intention to hold space. Then I heard the laughter, and the howling…. I knew then that holding space doesn’t mean I have to seperate myself from the party. What better way to hold space then be surrounded by that which you are holding it for. There is no better gift than to see the joy and freedom a woman feels when she expresses herself fully. I enjoyed the amazing lineup that the ladies at The Fox Run had scheduled, and was blessed to experience each part.
And then it was time… to gather by the fire, and offer up our intentions and prayers. Prayers for healing, letting go, moving forward, and remembering we are wild women.
The ceremony was powerful…
It was wonderful seeing so many women come together in prayer, to support one another and remember we are all connected. Women started sharing their stories, one by one… speaking them into the tobacco, then throwing them into the fire, releasing them to the universe and being open to receiving the gifts that are available for each of us. At that moment I was in perfect harmony with the universe. I knew everything was in perfect order… and I once again realized the power of letting go and trusting.
I am so grateful for the opportunity to lead these amazing women in this opening ceremony, and to be able to share who I am and see myself in the beautiful mirrors of my community.
… and that was only FRIDAY!
On Saturday my dear friend Eli from EliArtSparkle joined the adventure. We set up a vending tent to do henna and sell Eli’s handmade mushroom jewelry! Saturday started off slowly… but we made many new friends!
One of my favorite parts of Saturday was The Bridge is the Key, Guided Sound & Writing Meditation with Krystle Sights.
Krystle led such a beautiful meditation that was profound and eye opening for each of us in that tent. Krystle’s voice and use of the singing bowl and tuning forks really opened my energy to receive. The message for me was to nurture my inner child by using my imagination, and including my daughter in the things I do, in order to help her navigate this world. She is also helping me to remember how to navigate myself in this world.
So many times my parents have said that my daughter reminds them of me…I remember what I felt like when I was little… I realized she is teaching me to remember to nurture my inner child, while I get to teacher her ways to help her remember who she is, and to always feel confident in her power.
Saturday night dancing was a blast… free, fierce and fabulous women dancing to the beat, and burning a giant wolf that was made for the event. This wolf was well crafted, and it was powerful seeing 4 women carrying it to the fire. When they needed help, there were no hesitations… women jumped right up to assist in the placement of this effigy.
As the wolf burned, a passage was read from the book, Women who run with wolves…
“What does this wildish intuition do for women? Like the wolf, intuition has claws that pry things open and pin things down, it has eyes that can through the shields of persona, it has ears that hear beyond the range of mundane human hearing. With these formidable psychic tools a woman takes on a shrewd and even precognitive animal consciousness, one that deepens her femininity and sharpens her ability to move confidently in the outer world.”
and we all howled, releasing once more the expectations we’ve grown into.
This weekend I also did a few henna designs, and would’ve loved to have done more! Though everything is in perfect timing. <3 and I am so grateful <3
This weekend was profound, and definitely one that has changed my life. It has shown me that I am meant to lead… I am meant to share… I am meant to bring beautiful people into sacred space, so they might be able to dig deeper into their being and find healing from within themselves.
On my way home, as I reflected on the events a HUGE bald eagle flew over me. I immediately pulled over and offered tobacco to say thank you, I am open to receiving the messages you have for me.
I am ready to explode with life from within my being… to live boldly, bravely, and fully in my power every moment.
Lately I’ve been thinking about writing, but haven’t had the clarity to do so. These past few months have been a whirlwind of growth. Growth initiated by self reflection, through what feels like trial by fire.
Mother earth is also going through trial by fire… there are major earth quakes and volcanic eruptions happening right now. Fires taking over the lands. Things are shifting and changing.
I have noticed many synchronicities with this change… the planets have aligned in such a way the past few months that its only inevitable that our theme on earth is transformation. With the moon in Scorpio this past week, as well as Chiron in Aries, brings up a lot of healing.
The theme is dying to the past, breaking free, and healing….. and it resonates on so many levels.
There are 3 expressions of Chiron energy, corresponding to the 3 Chiron archetypes:
The 1st expression of Chiron is the Wounded Healer. The energy is similar to Saturn. You cannot heal yourself unless you know where it hurts. The first stage of healing is acknowledging the wound. And although you might think you know what your problem is, you most probably don’t. If only it was that simple! The Wounded Healer is the dormant, unconscious expression of Chiron.
The 2nd Chiron archetype is the Shaman – this is the intermediate expression of Chiron, representing the struggle to accept that pain is part of life, but also the opportunity that comes with this awareness. In this stage of Chironic development, we start to acknowledge our wound, and attempt to heal it. All the struggles we humans go through happen because we fail to integrate the broken parts inside of us. Think about the big decisions in your life, your failures, and missed opportunities. There was one part of you who wanted something, and another part who wanted something else. There are parts of you which you love and accept, and parts of you which you despise and try to dissociate from. But unless you learn to bring together all these broken parts, you can never bring to light your highest potential.
The 3rd Chiron archetype is the Alchemist. The energy is similar to Uranus. This is the highest expression of Chiron. In this form, Chiron has transcended his limitations. He has healed his wound and transformed it into a gift. Just like Chiron transformed into the constellation of Centaurus, the Alchemist-Chiron is a symbol of transcendence, of reaching a higher level of awareness.
This really reminds me of a dream I had a few years ago, where my healing came from my breathing.
I was following a young man through buildings and fields and through lots of mud… ending up at the bottom of a little hill. We slowly walked up the hill together and when we got to the top there were two stone circular fire pits in line with each other. The man stopped at the fire pit closest to the hill and told me I knew what I had to do, and to go on. He stayed back.
I noticed that I immediately had a feeling of needing him to come with me to show me how to do something or to do it with me…but I walked up to the second fire pit alone and there was a stand in front of it that felt like it had a magick book on it, but I didn’t need to use it… I simply needed to look into the pit.
As I looked down, this HUGE black energetic being exploded from the center of the pit. She was as tall as an redwood tree… and I could feel her like she was me. My consciousness would go back and forth between her view of me down below and my view of her up so high. When I was in her view I could feel fear… I could feel her inclination to be afraid…but it was also mine….they were connected. She had huge black wings, with many feathers and there were these small black angry dogs barking up at her and growling at her, coming at her but never touching or harming her.
As I started to feel the fear rise I started to breath consciously… slowing my breath, and immediately the dogs disappeared and she transformed.
She was no longer black, but rather red, green and gold. Her feathers were more like leaves now, and they were flowing all around her in a whirlwind… she was less afraid but still unsure. I could feel her hesitant energy, as if something might happen at any moment. I was so nervous by all of this… the only thing I could remember to do was breathe…. so again I changed my breathing and slowed it down.
Centering myself through breath, she instantly changed a third time into an iridescent rainbow crystal light being. She was no longer afraid, she was not even hesitant…she simply was… magnificent.
As I looked up at her light she whispered into my heart…. let go, and I immediately fell forward into the fire pit….no fear of falling… and with that beautiful surrender I began to fly. I fly over the trees, through the clouds, around in circles over beautiful fields and forests and finally land along the tree line, between forest and field and my two little ones walk up beside me, take my hand and join my journey as we walk out into the field together where there was a beautiful large brick house that was ours.
To me, this dream represents these three archetypes. I can see how the three beings I encountered can represent me as the wounded healer, the shaman and the alchemist perfectly. I had this dream so long ago, and it has always been there as a reminder during times of change. But I know now, this is the time… this was what the dream was talking about… the time has come.
I was talking to Landyn this morning about how summer camp has been going, and what I noticed. The kids are having a fantastic time! They get to choose between 5 different “environments” 3 times a day, as well as participate in group activities where they have a chance to earn points for their team. Each camper has been placed on either the green or the white team, and can earn points for their team by winning challenges or being chosen as camper of the day!
So I realized that my children are very competitive. They really like to win… and when they don’t win they have a hard time accepting it. Both Element and Landyn got out a few times during group challenges, and both of them had to voice reasons why they weren’t out… rather than just sitting down and taking the loss.
They weren’t bad sports, they weren’t rude or disrespectful… they just… “challenged the call” so to speak. I have to be honest, I was both excited at seeing this and a little set back.
So on the car ride to camp this morning, we discussed what co-creating might consist of, and how it might look.
We discussed that when you want to play the game, you have to take into consideration that there are other players and you are all agreeing on the rules of the game. If there was a group of 10 players, or co-creators, who decided to play a game, or create a community/reality together, there would be 10 different perspectives agreeing upon one.
What if one person in the group didn’t agree with the perspectives of the other 9!? That doesn’t make the one persons perspective wrong, it just means that the majority see the situation differently, or are just choosing to agree that its one way.
Landyn said his disagreement with being out was because he really believed he wasn’t out and that it was the other kid. But the other players in the game had a different perspective, and agreed he was out.
So we discussed how if someone wants to play a game, they have to realize that the majority rules…. and to see perhaps why they rule. The majority rules because they have more points of view on the circle so to speak. That if the topic was a dot in the middle of a circle and each players position on the circle determined their perspective. If 9 of the 10 points on the circle see the topic as one thing then that makes the thing reality. I don’t say truth because this instance doesn’t have to do with truth but with co-creating. Everyone has only their own truth… in which they create their own will. When it comes to co-creating a community/culture/idea, everyone’s perspective gets taken into consideration…however there must be compromise.
In creating something new, each person must give something of themselves. Its with this action that there is space created…. a compromise so that the new idea has space to surface.
If you want to play the game you must be willing to compromise. You don’t have to compromise if you don’t want to play the game. We always have the option of playing alone… or sometimes it could be a matter of just finding different people to play with.
It all comes down to truly being aware of what we want to do and why. Do we want to play the game because we enjoy the interaction with other people? Do we play because we are excited by the possibility of winning? If we only play because we want to win, will we just give up when we lose or will we continue to try until we do win? Or maybe a person doesn’t want to win that bad, so they decide to go play a different game.
I explained to Landyn that there isn’t a right or wrong choice, that he can chose whatever he wants and he doesn’t have to feel bad if other people don’t agree. But that its really important to know why he chooses it and to be respectful of other peoples choices. Our choices should be chosen out of love for who we are… because we are here to remember who we are and to be the best we can be.
This practice also includes being respectful. Being the best we can be means to be love, and when we are love we are respectful towards others and realize that if we have the choice to be the best us without being hindered by others, that other people have the same right.
What if everyone lived with this realization on a daily basis. That we are all different, and its ok. As a matter of fact… its a beautiful thing that we are all different… and its very important! Because each of us has a different perspective on this thing called life. If we can celebrate each others perspectives and learn something from them to help us see ourselves better then we can all grow together.
So back to compromise…it is an agreement or a settlement of a dispute that is reached by each side making concessions, and necessary when playing with others.
Our culture has us believing that compromising is a bad thing because we are accepting standards that are lower than desired. Its important to recognize that we usually stop there and say… oh this isn’t what I desire so I’m not doing it…. but we should be digging deeper to more substantial desires, over instant gratification.
Do we desire recognition, or respect.
Do we desire material gain, or personal growth.
Do we desire independence, or building community.
Do we desire being right, or learning to be better.